Being Comfortable in Uncomfortable Situations

Years ago our family was involved in mixed martial arts. Our gym was multi-disciplined - training us in boxing, Muy Thai, kali, but one of the disciplines we really focused on was bjj. Once a week we'd get a full lesson, and then a set of rolls, challenging ourselves against each other.

BJJ is a singularly awkward art to learn. What looks flashy and amazing when black belts do it on TV is sweaty and claustrophobic and confusing when you're just getting started. And a lot of your early rolls end up with you flat on the ground, with someone else smashing you even flatter while they manipulate your limbs, or your joints, or just flip you over.

Our coach used to stand over us as we were struggling, trying to turn our heads, move our arms, or pull in a full breath, and he'd tell us we had to learn to relax. "The most important thing you'll learn from bjj is how to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations".

It was good advice, and I continued to talk about it with the kids even outside the gym. Shortly after I also found it appearing as I leaned into Stoicism. Both Musonius Rufus and Seneca talk about the deliberate practice of seeking out minor hardships to build mental resilience. I really like this framing, and this turn of phrase.

But over time I realized that this isn't a perfect fit for me. I've lived my whole life being socially awkward and introverted. Every single interaction I get into is uncomfortable on some level. In a sense, it's a weakness of mine that every time I'm interacting I'm self-conscious. But in another sense it's a strength, because situations others find awkward are just par for the course for me. I can't tell when a situation is especially uncomfortable - because they all are.

I've struggled with this for a while. I love the phrasing, and I love the tenet, but it's not a perfect application to my life.

What I've finally realized is that I can't make myself comfortable in uncomfortable situations. But what I can do is accept the discomfort. I can become comfortable with the fact that I will always be uncomfortable.

It's not exactly the same, but it's enough. And it works for me.